MY CHRISTIAN JOKES

Hello saints, laughter is a great medicine for the soul and it lifts the spirits. This is a classic collection of my jokes for ur relaxation..... hope u like it....

The Only Pearly Gates Story I Ever Liked

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

Theological Engineering Exam 

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon.
The speed of light is c.
Show all work.
For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.
No praying during the exam.
1. (25 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount. Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?
2. (25 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
3. (25 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?
4. (25 pts.) Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything. What is Stan's sin level now?
5. Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

THE LORD'S PRAYER (Laodicean Version)

Our Grandfather, who art in heaven, special be thy name,
Thy candy come, thy will be changed, on earth as in our wishful thinking.
Give us this day our daily cake;
And wink at our trespasses, as we wink at ourselves when we trespass against others;
And lead us not into commitment, but deliver us from dedication.
For thine is the lap, and the chuckle, and the pat on the head, forever and ever.
You bet!

Windows 95

Avraham (Abraham) wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Yitzhak (Isaac) is incredulous.
"Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."
But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."

Actual Announcements From Church Bulletins

• Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
• Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
• The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Another Man's Wife

Roger Matthews tells the following story:

We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly "out" in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory; a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.

Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Boosk.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Saints, i will pause for now to allow you regain your breath... if u want to enjoy more classical clean xtian jokes, then send me your request through my facebook, blog or ur comments, i will be glad to bless u the more, 

till then, have a nice day,

Pastor mike.